The Life and Mismusings of KelvinJ. Patterson: Why badly behaved kids should be branded with hot ...

The Life and Mismusings of KelvinJ. Patterson: Why badly behaved kids should be branded with hot ...: I was bitten by a small child last week. I was standing in a queue for donuts at Krispy Kreme, trying to remember if Steve in HR wanted Ras...

Why badly behaved kids should be branded with hot irons.

I was bitten by a small child last week.  I was standing in a queue for donuts at Krispy Kreme, trying to remember if Steve in HR wanted Raspberry White Chocolate or Strawberry Gloss and whether a glazed Apple Cinnamon counted as one of my five a day, when this kid came up to me and bit me on my leg. Twice. "That's for The Slap" he said and walked back to his Mom, or possibly his Dad, it was hard to tell. At any rate, you know, it was safe to say that the individual was an adult who had eaten a lot. More than a lot. Possibly someone else's as well. And he or she had long hair. A lot of people have long hair nowadays. Men and women.

I went over and complained, but it just shrugged and said 'Kids'. 

I said: "What does that mean? Your son just bit me - on the leg - twice. May need a jab man. Has he been near dogs? And anyway, quite apart from anything else why has your kid been watching The Slap dude? It's rated frickin R man. Are you listening to me hairy? Are you fucking listening?"

I never completed my order, the police turned up and there was some unpleasantness. You know, but I think I had a case. A good case. I don't even look like Sophie Okonedo or Alex Dimitriades, or whoever it is that slaps the kid. And I'm pretty sure it was post watershed. I'd look it up, but I've been busy.

Anyway there's an MP (it's like a Congressman) in the UK called David Lammy. He suggested last week that it might be time to start smacking kids again. I'd go further - I think we should brand them - with hot irons. You know, there could be a variety of phrases like 'Don't bite people' and possibly 'Eat your greens' or 'stop hanging around by Costcutter spitting' or 'Get a job you git'. The great thing with branding irons is that it pretty much lasts a lifetime. And it's cheaper than prison. Think about it. It makes sense doesn't it.